You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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