that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
