If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
splinters make it hard to masturbate
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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