k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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