I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
