and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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