we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
