I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
