I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
