Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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