I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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