I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
