Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
