Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
