suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
