Your face is a jimmy john
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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