you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
