I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
