this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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