If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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