fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
