Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
