Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
