I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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