i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
