Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My liver just had a heart attack.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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