apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
