i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
false alarm, still single
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