goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
