My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize