JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
