so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Everyone says I win the strip club
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
