Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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