you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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