My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You left your phone here
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