new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
