Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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