So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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