He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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