I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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