the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
