please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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