This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
