Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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