Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
