I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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