You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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