Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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