Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
