I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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