Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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