I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
