im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
