it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
