Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
