I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
we're so committed to being not committed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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