I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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