I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Randomize
