rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
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I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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