someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
