One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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